


we don't have to name this (but we can if you want)

by qaolu



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Coming Out, F/M, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Little Baby Gay Eddie Diaz, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, We don't need more coming out fics but /I/ need them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:42:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29678613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qaolu/pseuds/qaolu
Summary: Eddie might actually be jinxed. His date is a failure, his sexuality is confusing, and his relationship with Buck is getting out of hand.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 26
Kudos: 319





	we don't have to name this (but we can if you want)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by agathon + liesoverthec on Tumblr. This is a way for me to work out the parallels between Eddie and Maddie, as well as including a much-needed scene with the two of them. Also, disaster gays.

"I don't like labels," Eddie frowned.

"That's fine, you don't have to pick a term or anything," Buck offered as help. "You go with whatever feels comfortable to you. If avoiding the subject altogether is your choice, that’s completely respectable too."

"And there's no rush, either," Hen cut in reassuringly, with years of practice. "Not everyone knows where they belong on the spectrum, but you belong here, with  _ us _ ." The feeling made Eddie warm inside, surrounded by his people, the best friends and family who aspired to make him feel welcomed. The past weeks had been a bit of a hectic rollercoaster, and finally, the car was slamming on the brakes, Eddie lurching forward after months looking behind him. He’s settled on doing the bare minimum of soul-searching when Chim rounds the corner, ears perked.

"What are you guys talking about over here?" he steps over, cereal sloshing in his mouth among milk and future one-liners.

"Uh," Eddie tried to look away, kind of embarrassed. It was uncharacteristic and a little humiliating for him. Scratch that,  _ very _ humiliating. At thirty-something years of age, he finally narrowed down this part of himself, and because there are no secrets in firehouses, the whole 118 is about to find out, whether in the community or otherwise.

Since coming to terms with who he was as a father and firefighter in the field, he'd been thinking post-quarantine stage one that there might be more apt descriptors for his person. He had only really dated Shannon seriously, all youthful charm and heterosexual pratfalls. She was pretty, so he liked her, but never really  _ loved _ her beyond being the mother of his child. Their romance failed at ever being easy, always consisted of gritted teeth and hard work, so Eddie felt desperate for that kind of free falling sensation. Something natural, uncalculated. Despite his surface attraction, she was his greatest love, the only suitable person in his decades of living. She had to be, right? She had to be, because that’s why he appeared so empty in the mirror, a gaping hole in the shape of a person who couldn’t move on, refused to do so. Shannon seemed to be everything his biological family did not want, so in that sense, she was  _ perfect _ for the job rather than any other candidates in high school. To be honest, he could’ve had his pick, the girls from class wrapped around his fingers, but he never danced down that dangerous route.

It was easier to knock up Shannon and flee the country.

_ Wait _ , Eddie caught himself. He was mentally digressing. Chim was staring at him, chomping incessantly on the sodden wheat. Hen blinked. Buck was on the heels of a sharp response when Eddie decided to cut to the chase, saving himself the secondhand shame.

"I think I might be...well, not straight."

Chim swallowed the Cheerios in one large gulp, milk slightly dribbling from the corners of his mouth.

"Good for you, man. Bobby and I don't mind being the only straight people here, it doesn't bother us. I promise. Hen, did you record the latest episode of 90 Day Fiancé?"

Buck and Hen met eyes, then burst into shared laughter. Chim shrugged, still waiting for a response. Eddie was confused, hopelessly so. Was it that easy for him to just accept that truth? Or, Eddie searched the other’s faces, maybe they found joy in Chim’s  _ not-straight _ guilty pleasure show. He couldn’t quite place the reactions.

"It doesn't shock you?" Eddie bit back his macho tendencies, the bravado of illegal fighting and war-torn pasts. Frankly, Chim's nonchalance shouldn't have stunned him, but well, was he the only person looking inwards wondering  _ what the fuck was going on _ ?

“Do you want me to tell the truth or—"

"Yes," Eddie flatlined.

"Not really? Look, you've totally got the hots for Buck, and it's your world here. We're all just living in it. Hen, come on. Maddie and I are watching at the same time, then going to text like we’re sitting together. Your assistance is required." Chim's spoon hit the bowl in a resounding  _ clang _ . Hen made some sort of strangled, garbled noise in response that Eddie only noticed because holy fucking shit, of course she's looking at Buck who's looking at him kind of pink in the cheeks and Eddie wants to die. He wants to protest  _ do not, that's not a part of this, whatever _ , but Hen is trying to form sentences through her happy tears and Bobby is walking over with a face that screams o _ h what did I just miss _ .

But like Buck always does, he doesn't deny the words, just joins in chuckling with Hen. She pushes off from the table to grab the remote per Chim’s request and save face.

"Everything okay?" Bobby's eyes narrow questioningly, like he’s missed a huge joke.

"Oh sure, everything is a-o-gay," Buck almost snorts, smacking the counter.

"I hate all of you," Eddie huffs, wondering why Buck has the nerve to look so cute when he's royally pissing him off. But he’ll unpack that bizarre emotion later. He has a date with Ana to schedule, who’s thankfully giving him another chance.

Eddie’s first date with Ana was fine. It was pleasant, a break from the monotony of his lonely moments, yet not quite on par with spending time as a team. After they jinxed and she listened to him ramble about how that was a complete farce of a concept, things were going smoothly. She ordered pancakes, he went for pure grease in the form of eggs, sausage and toast. Their chats ranged from catching up on Christopher to hearing about her doctorate.

“What’d you do your dissertation on?” he asked, forking his yolk onto the silver talons.

“Actually,” Ana moved her hair out of her face. “I focused on a study about teaching children with disabilities during remote learning. It felt topical, you know?” she smiled. “I mean, I made a mistake with Chris that one time. I never meant to put him down, Edmundo. In fact, it made me a better educator to know how I could improve in treating everyone equally.”

_ Wow _ , he thought. She apologized, which did mean something, but why did an element of it rub him the wrong way?

“Eddie, please,” he weakly answered her grin with one of his own. “Thanks. He never stops trying. Buck and I made him a skateboard, but his latest thing is video games. Not to brag, but my son plays dirty, cheats the whole thing so Buck always ends up whining. Between you and me, though? I think Buck loses on purpose just to see the kid win.”

_ Oh no _ , a sensation twisted in his gut. He had committed the cardinal sin.

That was the third time Eddie had mentioned Buck in five minutes.

It’s not like they were exes or anything. Eddie liked women. Buck was bisexual, but that didn’t mean anything, because well, Eddie was straight through and through. From birth, he could contest, as his father teased he would become a true ladies’ man. Based on the fanclub from his educational years, that was one moment Eddie begrudgingly granted his father a win.

“You and Buck sure do hang out a lot,” Ana says pointedly, her maple syrup suddenly very interesting. The wind picks up, a bit bracing for the late autumn weather. Eddie is stuck on the fact that well, his child is compromised during a pandemic and he’s on a date with a near stranger, which doesn’t seem to be going well because  _ he cannot stop talking about his best friend _ .

“Not as much as when we had to live together because of quarantine,” Eddie blurts out.

She’s nice, maybe too nice, and agrees to a second date regardless.

Eddie had come home panicking, staring at himself hard in every reflective surface. He was supposed to feel sparks, but beyond the mutual distaste for coffee at the onset of brunch, they didn’t have too much in common. Ana is everything he’s supposed to want; she’s smart, good with children, Latina and is the living epitome of what a pretty face should be. His parents would be cosmically giving him thumbs up right now. Christopher is in class, diligently shown on screen next to several other adolescents aiming to learn from a distance. Without his son to distract him, Eddie started wandering the internet, making assumptions and brash judgements.

_ Am I gay? _ He reads over the Google result, then shuts his phone off because damn, he shouldn’t have to look up the results to know. Whatever it is, he doesn’t  _ want _ to know yet, can’t face the truth whether it’s definite or flexible.

Hen and Buck is who he runs to, two letters of the community as well as great friends. 

So, he’s caught up, and well, Chim is looking at him weird. Buck is fiddling with the coffee pot in the kitchen behind them, Eddie leaning over the island in a pose that indicates he would never prefer to sit normally if given the option.

"What?" Eddie asks, flipping through profile pictures on the dating app as a text from Ana flashes on his screen. He looks at the entourage of people because well, he figures there might be a chance a guy there will seem cute and he’ll know for sure which way the pendulum swings. Since his talk with Bobby (one that Buck evidently gets out of him later), Buck helped Eddie install some bachelor services. He ignores the notification to steady his gaze on Chim.

"Just seeing how you're taking the thought of seeing someone new," the other man raised his eyebrows. "Guess the date with the infamous Ana Flores was a bust?"

_ I feel jinxed even though I don't believe in it _ , Eddie wants to say before he even starts.  _ There’s something wrong with me, because I should like Ana enough to skip this Buck 1.0 garbage _ . So, why is he looking?

"We already have plans for another one," he finally responds, the preferences on his page toggled back to just women as the message from Christopher’s former teacher piques his interest.

“Alright. Just know that if it’s not with her, we don’t separate the couples at family dinners by sexuality, right? No need to look so spooked,” Chim cocks his head. Buck coughs on his coffee, choking a bit before waving his coworkers’ concerns off.

“It’s just something getting used to, is all,” Eddie watches Buck nearly die, an all too common sight these days. Yeah, he'll acknowledge that sometime later, this unfamiliarity with being open about the topic of who he’s attracted to romantically and/or sexually. It's not the song and verse of personal triumph, it's identity, and Eddie doesn't think he deserves that second chance. With Shannon, he screwed everything over, taking instead of giving.  _ Bold of you to try again so soon _ , his conscience knocks on the door. The human brain is distracting and infuriatingly annoying on multiple levels, each louder than the rest. He’s caught in this weird conundrum of what Eddie Diaz deserves when Buck, returning back to normal, tears him away from the phone before he gets to answer the pretty woman waiting for a response.

"Eddie," he nudges the other as they go down the stairs, practically tugging him towards the lockers for a secret meeting, "I don’t think Chim knows that my sister is into women." They typically prepare their devilish duo plots in the locker room, so Eddie naturally heads there, the reconnaissance staged between an open door and sweaty clothes. It stinks.

"What?" Eddie’s mouth flops open, but Buck is lifting a finger to his lips. There's no one else there, though he tends to be a bit dramatic.

"She had a girlfriend in middle school," he lowered his voice, "But like, right now. I think he implied she was straight when she's technically pansexual. Maddie doesn't wear the pins or post it all over on social media like me, she’s kinda reserved. One of my favorite memories was her taking me to pride, which reminds me that we haven’t gone since coming to Los Angeles."

"I’m assuming you don’t want to out her, then," Eddie nods. "To the father of her child."

"Exactly. Baby Buckley needs Chim to know. Mango deserves this,” Buck says plainly, as if referring to his niece as a fruit named after him isn’t weird by any stretch of the imagination.

"It won't change anything, Buck," Eddie comforts, softly. "You told me they barely said ‘I love you’ until almost a year ago, right? Let her do it at her own pace, if she hasn’t already.”

Buck knew he was right.

"Okay," he agreed. "But promise me. Before you go on that second date with Ana, can you call Maddie? Not about  _ that _ , of course. I'll give her a head's up on the subject matter. Think of it as a gift of perspective from me."

He’s sick of surprises, and Eddie doesn't really talk to Maddie for long hours on end or even casually chat about their individual lives. They're cordial, supportive, part of the extended family, but she's just a ( _ cough, future sister-in-law—now Eddie’s brain, please do not go there _ ) rather than a close confidante. Regardless, he can see by the sparkle in Buck's eyes how much it means to him. Eddie is a sucker for that glisten, its effervescence only dulled by the sheer glory of his smile.

"Sure," he releases a breath, stomach doing backflips. His heart betrays what his mind is saying, flipped images and reversed thinking. Ana asks him if they can see each other that night, but he gets by with a rain check, wordlessly praying she won’t give up on him for being unavailable.

“If you can go on a date, you can come here,” Maddie tells him on the phone.

“You’re pregnant, Maddie,” Eddie kicks the shoes out of the way at his house’s entrance. “Chim doesn’t want to take risks, so neither do I. Plus, if something happened, Buck would kill me.”

“Look,” she audibly shifts the phone to a more comfortable spot on her shoulder, the soft crackle of fabric statically subtle. “Chim is coming home with the most non-raw sushi that money can buy. Get here, and let’s talk. You can even bring Christopher if you want. Not sure how your kid feels about anything more than a California roll, though.”

“I don’t know what’s so important that we can’t do this over the phone,” Eddie sighs, mentally checked out from the day but always easy to sway on moments like these. “And Christopher is with abuela tonight. But okay. Just don’t go busting out the wine.”

“Will you make me need it?” Maddie teases, and it makes Eddie think about his own sisters. He arrives closer to eight, bogged down by the traffic on the way. Knocking on the door in his mask, Eddie isn’t sure what their conversation is supposed to be about. Chim lets him in, and around her island, Maddie is reading a magazine shut speedily at the arrival of her esteemed guest.

“I’ll give you two some privacy...?” Chim asks, which is a sentence he’s gotten used to saying, just never with this combination of people. Maddie kisses him on the cheek, then tells Eddie to come sit on the couch with her.

“This feels rather official,” Eddie swallows, “What is Buck up to?”

“Look,” Maddie wants to take his hand, but she doesn’t. “It’s not about Buck.” He shoots her an expression smudged by uncertainty, the turn of the conversation heavier than he expected. “I heard about what you talked about with Bobby, Buck told me. Don’t be mad, I know it’s personal. Just listen to me, okay?”

Eddie puts his legs closer together, cramped on the sofa. “Listening.”

“I know what it’s like to date someone after a long time of convincing yourself that you’re only good for a specific kind of person,” she starts, and Eddie’s mind goes  _ oh no, great Eddie, you’re making Buck’s sister relive her trauma _ . “It’s suffocating that you drown in the memory of them, even if they’re not exactly gone just yet. You think you can never escape their shadow, their faults and the positive appearances on the surface, because you idolize their good times while ignoring the bracing blows.”

“Maddie...” Eddie’s throat feels dry.

“Let me keep going,” she smiles, a tiny tear blossoming in the corner of her eye. She’s so strong, and Eddie wishes he could have her resolve, the prowess to speak freely on the past like this. Her ex-husband was an abusive trainwreck who tried to kill her and Chim. Eddie felt like Shannon’s seething hatred for his constant disappearances wasn’t really of the same quota. “You live in their memories and close yourself off from happiness for it. Doesn’t have to make sense, just is how it can be. I know it’s not like Bobby, or you...but I understand, Eddie. I just wanted to tell you that there’s no shame in seeking something new. There’s absolutely nothing selfish about wanting the best for yourself in a person completely unlike the first love you ever have. In fact, it’s probably better on all fronts.”

“I never wanted to make you upset,” he shakes his leg in anxiety, normal self-assuredness gone during the vulnerable discussion. “And I don’t want to make another woman regret every moment she spent alive with someone as broken as me. I failed as a husband and partner.”

“No,” Maddie stops his leg with her hand. “You didn’t, and you won’t ever again. You’ve grown to be a person that I know grounds my brother, makes my boyfriend feel like he has a friend and who happens to be one of the best fathers around. Second to Chim, of course, but you have years of actual practice. Better start exchanging tips before your love life keeps you busy,” she brightens, and Eddie is blinded.

“That’s the thing,” he leans over, as if the words will crack and break. “...I don’t know if I want a love life with Ana.”

“Then wait until you’re ready,” Maddie offers him a tissue. “There’s no pressure.”

“I told Bobby I was, and Chim even joked about it,” Eddie runs his fingers through his hair. “Maddie, wait—how did Buck even bring this up to you? The thought of him saying something so serious over text rubs me the wrong way.”

“My brother and I always had each other, but Eddie, I know your family was hard on you, too. Buck can talk to me about anything now, I promise. He just let me know that you were having a rough time. You got us,” she insisted. The Buckley siblings were perhaps the biggest sources of sunshine on the planet, fueling the entire world. They constantly involved people in their orbit, only to make their lives shine radiantly from beginning to end. How those parents managed to create two angels from ashes did not add up, but who was he to complain?

“Thanks,” he nodded. “...Can I ask you something else, too?”

“Sure,” Maddie reciprocated the gesture of understanding.

“Any advice for someone who might be coming out really late in the game?” Eddie almost whispers, as if Chim will detect their speaking with overly eager antennae. Maddie’s face changes sharply, and Eddie can’t tell if it’s for better or worse.

“Oh! I didn’t know you were...” she actually looks like she can’t contain her excitement. “Anyways. Whatever you feel like you are, what makes  _ you _ feel good inside, is the right one. Believe me, everyone does it differently. My parents never knew about my girlfriend, just like they didn’t know anything happening in that house. Her parents were homophobic, though, which is why we broke up. I just knew I’d find someone eventually who felt right. Unfortunately,” Maddie leaned on the arm of the furniture, casting a glance down the hall where Chim was. “It took me a while to find him.”

“But you knew?” Eddie feels ridiculous asking, especially because they just talked about how bonds are meaningful, not always intentional, and each party has to grow before they rise next to another in flowering beauty.

“Eventually,” Maddie sees right through him, “Now. I promised you sushi, but it’s almost twenty to nine. Will you have some ice cream with me?” It’s like they’re schoolchildren meeting after classes with waffle cones and big dreams. She’s smiling, he’s smiling, and it feels good.

“You better have some good offerings,” Eddie kicks off from the couch, offering his hand to help Maddie up like a true gentleman.

“I’m pregnant, Eddie. I have  _ all _ the offerings,” she joked, meeting him in the kitchen.

“Good thing Chris doesn’t know about this,” he thinks fondly of his son, who would definitely enjoy ice cream this late in the night. Chimney comes out from the bedroom with a book in his hand, the same baby one he had in the station before.

“Hey,” Maddie kisses him, grabbing three spoons from the drawer. “Eddie, if you  _ really _ want to hear a funny coming out story, you should hear Josh’s sometime.” He switches from observing Chim to Maddie in a slight panic, but Chim just takes the utensil without a reaction.

“So true. He told it in the group chat once, which made us all  _ die _ ,” he adds, uncovering some combination of pretzel pieces and caramel swirls.

“Does Chim know that you’re...?” Eddie trails off, and, like earlier, the two people next to him start cackling from the second he opens his mouth.

“Of course I know,” Chim almost started crying. “Damn, Eddie. Does  _ Buck _ think I don’t know? She’s carrying our child, for god’s sakes.”

“I don’t know!” Eddie joins in with them, reaching for a fudgy chocolate flavor to console his relational blunder. He doesn’t get the gist of dynamics lately, finds himself flailing in the shallow end. It’s a good thing he’s not a psychiatrist or a social worker.

“And  _ insulting _ considering that I thought you were going to ask the name of our group chat. It’s called Maddie’s Angels. The ice cream is about to  _ not _ be complimentary, my friend. See yourself out,” Chim ribs, but he doesn’t kick the other to the curb.

Eddie thinks they might have more ice cream nights in the future, provided they don’t tell Buck or Christopher about the plan (they would never hear the end of it).

_ Thanks _ , he texts Buck as he gets in the car.  _ It went really well. Your sister is the best. _

_ Don’t I know it? But that’s good to hear ;)  _ is what Buck replies, typing out the wink emoticon rather than settling on an Apple preset. Just the simple choice makes Eddie crack a smile. He’s thankful for the other, because wow, did he need to let off some more steam. While Bobby was good  _ before _ the date, Maddie really cleared up his confusion afterwards. Eddie would wait to see if Ana found him interesting enough for the possibility of more, staying idle as the events of life trickled downwards.

_ Hope it helped clear up some things _ , his phone pings again from Buck.

Eventually, he has the brutal realization that what he’s searching for is there, wrapped up in a package of Buck and loose-fitting terms like best friends, the click switching in his head as the engine turns over.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

Oh...

He’s into men.

_ Do you think I’m actually jinxed?  _ Eddie texts him, even though it’s midnight. _And yes, there's a big difference between being wary of technology and believing in that otherworldly stuff._

_ Hildy is always listening. Also, wow, religion has been found dead in a ditch. No really though, in what way? _ Buck replies a minute later.  _ Wait. _

His phone buzzes, a picture of the man himself and Christopher on his lockscreen.

“Eddie, is something wrong?” the voice comes out the speaker. Silence. “Eddie?”

“I don’t know,” he sighs, not expecting the call. “I have to tell Ana, who is everything my parents would absolutely  _ adore _ , that we can’t go on another date.”

“Thought you said Maddie and you talked,” Buck sounds sleepy, though willing to wake up at a moment’s notice if it satisfied the other. “Is this because you couldn’t nail her love language? Because, if it helps, mine are affirmation and quality time. Hers are probably—”

_ I’m in love with you _ , he wants to say, but he cannot, not yet. They’re working on themselves to be in the best condition possible for romance, equally in their own unique journeys, and Eddie can’t bust open the best thing he has.

“No, no,” he steadies. “It’s just not working. Tomorrow, after we get off of work...”

“Yeah?” Buck waits, absentmindedly biting his lip.

“Would you wait for me?”  _ Wait for me until I’m better, until you’re better, until we’re okay and can handle this _ , he thinks, desperately. Buck probably doesn’t know the weight his reply will get, but he understands to some degree the severity, the need practically crawling up the question.

“Sure,” Buck promises. “It’s Friday night, anyways. Chris has to kick my ass again.”

“The fighting game or real life?” Eddie jokes, and damn. He’s in love.

They don’t get there, until they do, months down the line. Buck’s therapy sessions are less frequent, the wound his parents left healing over and a chance encounter with Taylor Kelly only souring her spot in his mind. Eddie has come to terms with himself, the labels still not fitting around his wrist the way combat gear or medic wear is characteristically comfortable, but the knowledge has homegrown him confidence. Ana ends up dating Lena Bosko, in a strange turn of events, but that’s not jinxed either, it’s a Hildy mess of proportions where suddenly everything fits into place.

"We don't have to label this," Buck is timid as he says the dreaded ‘L’ word (not the ‘Q’ or the other ‘L’ one, mind you), but a lopsided grin is plastered across his face because he just kissed his favorite person. It's pure glee only cut by the danger of his words, the chance encounter of putting names to bonds having the potential to ruin all they have risked to get there. 

"No, I want to," he reaches for the other's hand, rubbing comforting circles on his skin. The caress is sweet, encouraging, like stepping back into a place called home. Dazed from joy, Eddie can hear his heartbeat, emotions swelling. "Buck...do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"Oh, you're not proposing right now?" Buck jokes, closing the distance between them in pure, unadulterated love. They kiss again, feeling for the opposite in the dark shadow of the world that burns a little brighter with their touch.

He’s eternally grateful.

Eddie goes to pride with the whole 118 the following year, Buck at his side. It’s a crowd that once again feels safe, free from the constraints of historic events. He asks Maddie to paint little blue, green and white stripes on his cheeks, and even Christopher tags along. The sign he’s making Chim hold doesn’t exactly have the same impact it would if he was touting it around, considering the cardboard says ‘my two dads fight fires’ in glitter-infested writing. 

The only labels they end up putting on anything are the sensations of wearing the same shirts, coming to work smelling like lavender laundry detergent from one dryer, and finishing sentences across the couch. Their rhythm holds on calls, the back and forth tension replaced with a sweet, sappy feeling which frankly, isn’t much different than the boundaries of their friendship.

Buck loves Eddie, and he loves him, wholly and completely.

To them, that’s all that really matters.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my dream reality, because well, Buddie need to do a lot of healing before they can come together in the way they deserve. Thanks for reading!


End file.
